I hate that it’s been so long since I’ve done this. With that being said, I feel I owe an explanation. My blog started off as my diary, I started off like most people with pens and notebooks. But with the internet/social media boom of my generation, I moved on to getting my feelings out in lengthy blog posts. This helped make sense of what was going on in my mind at the time, poems, rants, whatever I needed. While I’m more than proud that that led me to creating Feel Good, it’s also kind of taken the relaxation out of writing for me. I made it a chore, a job, when all along… this was the part that I needed to stay pure.
I kept putting pressure on myself to write these profound think pieces that will change someone’s life. After getting such great feedback from my personal posts in the past, I felt a duty to keep coming with these fully loaded emotional journey writings to help all the 20 somethings my age navigate through their mental health. So much so, that it made me not want to write at all. I would stare at my computer filled with the most immense amount of anxiety until I convinced myself that I don’t have to do it right now. Then what happens? It never gets done.
Today is the first time in a long time that I woke up feeling – clear. Let’s talk about that word usage. If you’re like me and deal with episodes of mental illness, you might agree that when in these slumps you almost feel as though your entire world is in a fog. If I think back on memories over the last couple months, everything has haze over it. Because that’s how I lived it in that moment. Nothing seemed clear or concise. Everything seemed troubling and cautious. Today, I woke up feeling like that fog is on its way to lifting. But how I got here was anything but easy.
Something that troubles me and has for a while now, is vulnerability. It’s not a state of myself that I enjoy, it’s especially not something that I like to share with others. For me, being a person that suffers from severe Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, being vulnerable seems like one of the most danger inducing things I could do. I read somewhere recently that Anxiety is the body reacting to what feels like danger even if there isn’t any (or something like that). It’s true, simple things, easy things, everyday tasks for me? My body reacts like I’m about to go sky diving. Please understand how living this way can drive a person to be so angry with themselves that they then end up depressed and feeling hopeless.
Vulnerability has been a topic of focus for the last couple years for me. Battling within myself when is it truly safe to be this way? To be honest with you, I’m still working on it. But one thing I can’t help but feel is that it’s almost more tiring to keep my walls up than to just be with those around me in an pure and organic state. The key is to be more aware of the energy you’re allowing around you. If you always stay true and pure to who you are, you should attract those who belong on your journey. I also read somewhere recently that, Empaths have great healing energy. This attracts others with similar energies, it also attracts those who need to be healed. For me, I’m beginning to understand that sometimes we are meant to be vulnerable with people, to help them on their journey even if it seems like we are hurt in the process, we are always gifted a lesson in return for our work. It’s all in your perspective and healing process for when you accept that gift.
I’ve been making self-care and self-love bigger priorities than I think I ever have recently. I normally credit myself with great self-awareness, but when it comes to those fogs I mentioned earlier… sometimes its not so easy to realize you’re slipping in a few areas. At some point, you have to come to terms with and admit when you really do not feel good. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, we are allowed as humans to be unhappy sometimes. It’s just important that we don’t stay that way for longer than necessary. Feel how you feel authentically, always – and then figure out how to healthily learn from and move on from those situations.
I’ve had many moments in my life where I felt like soul searching. In all of these moments, I did find a puzzle piece that I needed. I say that to say we are often afraid of times of quiet, times of being alone. It can be frightening to be alone with your thoughts when you’re not taking the time to address them. I’m not going to preach to you about the great gift that is meditation. I’ve learned along the way that not everyone agrees with the connotation that comes with the subject. What I will encourage you to do, is to find your own personal means of mindfulness. For me even, its not always crossed legs and 432Hz music. Sometimes, it’s staring out of the window and giving my thoughts the time and space to align, to make sense. The movement of the clouds and trees sometimes brings a peace that makes the world make sense for a minute. In the words of Ashley Coleman, “Do what feels good for you”.
My goal is to be back more frequently with writing, I gave myself the space to come back to it organically. First with pen and paper and now again, here. It feels good. It feels right, I hope this message resonates with someone, healing is never easy regardless of what you’re healing from. Be kind to yourself, nurture what your soul needs. Find outlets that bring light into your life, spend time in nature, regardless of what you believe in – always give thanks for everything we are and have, be conscious of where you spend your energy, and most importantly love you more.