I’ve been feeling really out of sorts recently. Not really a fan of myself to be honest… I’ve been extremely critical and harsh with my thoughts of me. I’m sad to say I feel almost like a hypocrit, when one of my biggest messages with Feel Good RVA is self love. While I’m proud of the growth that FGRVA has made and all the different realms of artistry we’ve gotten involved in along with our different collaborations and projects. I don’t want to lose sight of the very personal beginnings I’ve had on these blog sites. My blogs were always a diary for me and in order to keep this authentic, I have to stay authentic.
Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD), occasionally still called dysmorphophobia, is a mental disorder characterized by the obsessive idea that some aspect of one’s own body part or appearance is severely flawed and therefore warrants exceptional measures to hide or fix one’s dysmorphic part on one’s figure.
One thing about me that might not seem apparent is my extreme distaste for my own face and skin. Yes, I post myself frequently and I normally don’t mind being photographed or on video. But the agonizing comes after the fact. ( I hope you understand how difficult it is for me to be the level candid that I plan to be in this post.) My selfies are almost always filtered and/or edited, for the mere fact that when I see myself, even after trying to get that perfect selfie 100 times, I don’t see beauty. For a long time I haven’t had the greatest self confidence, but it seems that with age and life, I just grow more and more of a hatred for my own view in the mirror.
I’ve had multiple self-discovery phases in my life where I’ve devoted a period of time to learning to love myself and be happy (most times after having lost myself in a relationship). I soul search, meditate, and even cry my eyes out to Miles Carter videos on youtube. I still look in the mirror at this nappy haired, freckle faced, pale skinned, awkward girl who never seems to really quite fit in anywhere. I’ve cried over my freckles and big lips as a child only to grow up and have them become beauty fads and social media filters. You’re itching to have these things and I’m still barely accepting that they’re even apart of my very own face. I try to immerse myself into different social groups, but there’s always going to be some reason in the back of my head as to why I don’t belong. I’m not black enough, I’m not seasoned in certain cultures and forms of art enough or at all, and the list goes on and on.
This has only transpired into other areas of my life. I now question if every misfortune in my life is in relation to me being unworthy, annoying, ugly? I make logical sense of why things happen the way that they do. I identify what certain situations seem to be lessons I should be taking knowledge away from. But there always seems to be some point where my brain decides on its own, that me as a person is to blame for things that honestly are just out of my hands. I realize some of this may come across as some weird form of vanity or narcissism. But it’s really and factually the total opposite.
People question why I admire certain celebrities, for instance Kanye and the Kardashian squad or even Winter Blanco. They seem completely full of themselves and like shitty, misguided shells of people… to everyone else. To me, they exude a confidence that I long for. A sense of self security that I just…don’t… have. These people take criticism from thousands, even millions and still stay true to who they are and what they want to do in life. That’s something for someone in my position to admire.
I’ve decided to take on some small lifestyle changes in order to start combatting this annoying situation
- Starting off with less social media. Whether we want to admit it or not, SM plays a HUGE part in everyone’s insecurities. Everything you’re looking down on yourself for, the next person has and is posting about it. “Damn, I must not be shit if they can do that, buy that, have that, and I can’t”… NO, my journey is what it is and that’s something to be loved and embraced, not compared. (Side note: editing what accounts you follow is equally important. More artists, creatives and things of that nature and less influencers!)
- Next, more healthy activity! Don’t get me wrong, I don’t really have qualms with my weight. However, I do know a big part of thinking good, is feeling good and that doesn’t happen from laying around in dark rooms, crying in your free time.
- The last thing I’ll touch on is evaluating the energy around me. This mostly means I need to pay attention to the company I’m keeping. The people in my life that I know have my back and best interest at heart, I don’t question. Why have anyone in your circle that you’re not certain of? And more importantly, if I’m not certain of their roll in my life, why do I act as though their opinion of me holds so much weight? OOH! AND EVEN MORE IMPORTANTLY, why do I let my anxious mind create a dialog from them that I’ve never even heard or known to be true? Sometimes it’s good to distance yourself for a bit to better establish your own view of you.
I’ve tried to force myself to think in a way that I just don’t feel to be true. Maybe that’s because I haven’t taken the necessary steps to handle these emotions healthily. Suppression solves nothing and I hope you always remember that. If your car is buried in snow, its very rare that you’ll be able to just drive out of it. You have to put in some hard work and shovel through the mess. Once again… self-care starts with self-love and that is ESSENTIAL to finding true happiness.